Mocktober

I'm having real trouble understanding where we all fit in, somedays i feel like we're fucking faking it... i hide it from people because we're not using a crutch, i don't go to a job interview and go "i'm undiagnosed DID/multiple and am much clearer working as Justin, Sai and Mako..." ... No, in stead i have to fucking admit i'm ADHD, which is almost worse because at least with a more severe mental health issue we'd know where we stood.

I get a REALLY confusing email from my caseworker at workbridge, and i'm all torn down about fifteen levels..
This city fucking sucks.

Nobody wants an overweight 29 year old with social retardation, (not literal but that's ok) i'm happy with Rob for once, and yet i'm constantly fucking mocked for it in my family. I understand why, but it's tearing me apart. I don't want to fucking cry about it, wer'e trying as a whole system to stop being so dramatic and be adults now.. it actually soimetimes helps stop things from driving us nuts... i dont know where the fuck i'm going with shit. I had to quit university.. and not because of the plurality.. because i'm too damn stupid to stop failing papers...

I can't even get a job right now, and i'm REALLY sick of it. I know i don't apply much, but it's like how am i going to find shit if i don't have a good work history, and all i'm doing is work experience TWICE A WEEK AT A CAFE. I have EXCZEMA and asthma; if i go work at one more cafe i'm going to die before i'm 70... my hands are fucking falling apart again, i ADORE the place i am working with to get experience... They are a WONDERFUL PLACE, and i'm only doing 4 hours a week of unpaid work... but i rarely get cash register time because i'm faster at picking up the dishes, and the kitchen work and cleaning than i am the till.. and it's MY RESPONSBILITY to do the work, nobody else in the system... i wish i could learn to make it a shared thing, but we're a system that ... i guess we share it in a sense.. lemme rephrase that.. We don't SWITCH when doing outworld work, i think we share the pool of resources, and make things easier that way now we're medicated for the ADHD... but then it gets frustrating trying to interview ... because we can't fucking remember how we scored the few jobs Lightning got before Justin took over. This is confusing to me still, i don't understand most of this.. and i freak out because i'm nowhere near at a level i should even CLAIM this to be DID in a sense .. but i know it's us, because i know i'm not the same person that was here when the body had sexual assault happen... These memories aren't mine. And it's not because i'm a writer.

Nothing partiucularly bad happens to us, except that we lose people and we attract the scariest motherfucking assholes in life... I'm scared to be honest. I'm scared something's going to happen, and i won't be here to see the rest of my life. I'm not scared of death, i'm scared of no longer being the core... or at least no longer being in this system...I dont want to be a burden, and i really don't want to sound like i'm out for attention.. but somedays it's hard to tell if it's one or the other at front, i could go back to denying it.. but what use would it be? i'd fall on the floor and pass out and wake up as Justin, and lose the core spot... and Sai would claim i'm just like the others...

i dont even know why i'm doing this in here other than to complain, i know this sounds like a journal but i'm ... i dont know... i'm steaming confused, and i wish there were more clear cut answers than joining 8934298247982374 facebook groups and talking to people that sound like they're more fake (and i'm not trying to pull people into my confusion, these are people that are not on these forums i'm complaining about) than even an actor who doesn't have DID... it's a haunting situation to see some people ...

Haunting to not understand it..

because we refuse to get a diagnosis.

~Hanako