all in the head

god dammit i hate this - when ed gets pissed with me or anything and then decides to direct it at me - i have to sit here and listen to him shout and strop with me

its not just that, but when ed kicks off, jamies sent in, and now i can hear them both arguing with one another - ed talking badly with me, and jake is sat with his knees up and hands over ears

i feel like somehow ive unconsciously brought them into a space, this blank space i have between my outer and inner world, but this means that they are coconscious and i can hear them

typing this up has been a nightmare and every few letters or so i have to go back and change what im writing because things are getting so out of hand

if they get too bad, jamie and ed will both start arguing outloud, which then means ill be sat here yelling at myself in different voices --- im fed up of looking crazy and im fed up of just not being normal!!!! please let me be normal, somebody, anybody, please make it happen. i love my boys although they have their ups and downs, but i just want my own body and i want them to live in their own == please why wont it happen?

That sux. Is there no way they couldmove back a bit again?

I'm sorry you're struggling right now Jess. Our core host has longed for "normalcy" her whole life. It's hard to accept that Our normal is different from the average person.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that! You're not crazy at all, even your normal isn't exactly what everyone else considers normal. I think that you're doing really well, considering what you've had to live through. ^^
Emmy.

There are days where coping is not as easy as others, and you just have to slag through it unforunatley .... but in the end of course, remember there's a light at the end of the scary tunnel ^__^
-Hanako

I'm not sure there's a great deal I can say here. I'm sure you're having a hard time Jess. Hopefully they will quieten down soon.
It appears to have been a strange old time for a lot of people, and I'm sorry you're all struggling so much with it.
Is there anywhere they could go to have their barney without it having to affect you? Although looking at the times, I am assuming it's probably done by now.
I'll see you tonight anyway, but sending all of our love to all of you xx

i wish there was something i could say or do that would be helpful, but at the least i do understand that feeling of wanting to be normal. actually what Emmy said is accurate to me, our kind of normal is just different from other people's kind of normal and that's all - it's just a pity that makes it hard to connect with others or get help or even have the simple thing of being understood that alot of people take for granted.

i hope they've had their argument by now and that things settled down soon after this post. maybe it's a good thing that they've vented? i know it's emotional and difficult while it's happening but alot of people usually feel better afterwards so i really hope that was the case for you all.

safe thoughts to all of you and hope all this blows over soon.

thank you everybody

i have a very sore head this morning as i could continue to hear them right up until ollie came out for bedtime (thank god!)

not sure whats gone on, but everything seems peaceful... for now at least!

thank you to all again

i'm happy to hear that there's finally some peace, i hope that continues for you all!