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Post by seb on Thu Dec 20, 2012 11:14 pm

not anticipating a reply from anyone here. just having a vent cos i gotta do it somewhere. feel free to ignore.

its been a fucking HELL of a few months. probly gonna be a long post that barely scratches the surface, but aint like it matters either way.

physical health - UP THE SHOOT! been 99% me out just cos of the sheer amount of pain the body is in. been scoped, scanned n alsorts, yet still no definitive answer. tablets have stopped the bleeds, but s'about it. sick to SHIT of being so damn ill. its been nearly 3 months now, n i can barely walk up a hill! let alone do my goddamn job.

lost half my business cos body aint physically capable of doing the work any more. spent a year working my ass off, putting everything we got into this fucking business, n now thats all down the pan. waste of time, waste of effort, waste of money. waste of fucking everything. had a customer screaming at me yesterday, i dont even know what about. so fucking done with self employment.

bodys other half - is fine, but for a couple of months we didnt think that was gonna be the case. been going clear outta my mind, his health, our health. only got the good news re: him today. at least thats one fucking relief.

money. with my business going under rapidly, we got none. we got FUCK ALL. invited to spend some time with friends over christmas - lovely! but no fucking way we can afford to go. no way at all. been trying for months to figure out how to pull it off, but no joy. i cant make money grow outta thin air. worried people are gonna be pissed with us about it, worried they gonna think i just dont wanna. couldnt be further from the truth. yet another thing i guess im fucking up.

i got friends everywhere getting more n more pissed off with us atm, but i dunno even what we/i am doing to em to be fucking everyone off in the first place. but people all over who know us, are hating us. just keep on fucking everything up, and apparently internal bleeding with excruciating pain aint actually a valid reason for that. im just being 'selfish'. maybe ive not been making enough effort with friends, but ya know, been a massive fucking PILE of shit of me own on top of me. does taking time out for that make me a total arse? i honestly dont know.

i wish the world would know that actually, i dont mean to be an arsehole. yeah, ok, sometimes i get it wrong. but who the fuck doesnt?! why am i ALWAYS the fucking bad guy. i try to bend over backwards for anyone in my circle. if a friend calls and needs me, im right there! i bend over backwards for people, but im still getting dubbed the asshole, and if im honest, i really dont know how thats happening. i mean seriously, am i missing something here?! IF ANYONE KNOWS WHY IM AN ASSHOLE - PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!!!! why is everyone else on this rock worth so much more. im not saying im better than ANYone out there, but am i really that much worse? redundant question really. obviously i am. not like any of this shit'll matter to anyone else.

alongside all this bullshit, got some seriously heavy internal shit going down. people have been harmed, so theres been a massive shake up of the way things are working. probly nuff said bout that, internal shit should stay internal shit i guess.

oh, and im 25 now, apparently.

i wanna cancel christmas altogether. its a waste of time and money, i cant be fucked. i really cant be fucked. if i cant do jack shit else right now, what the fuck is the point of christmas. what is the fucking point of anything. i hate christmas. we at the time of year when i myself was created. bullshit. i just wanna drink myself into a hole, but i cant even drink right now.

seriously wondering at this point in time, why the FUCK did i come outta my hermit hole. maybe its time to crawl back. i need to reel everything in. shrink our world back down to the confines of these 4 walls. no people. no relationships. just one safe little bubble. may just power down everything for a bit. not a lot of point in it anyway.

im seb. im 25. i am an antisocial bugger, and happy to be. i dont know about whats 'current' or 'popular' in the world, and you know, that works for me. i hate. no, despise the world. i DESPISE this rock we are doomed to spend a life on. in fact, right here, right now, i HATE everything. and im an asshole for that. and i apologise for that.

in fact, im gonna finish by apologising to every single member here. for not being around lately, for not knowing the right things to say, for not saying anything. just, for being the way i am. its not right, and im sorry.
for those of you this is relevant to, im sorry for not picking up the phone to see how you were instead of just hiding. i didnt mean to be so selfish.

i am truly sorry to all of you.


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Post by EddieJamie on Thu Dec 20, 2012 11:47 pm

vent away my friend! but at the same time forgive me for saying - chill your beans! =]
honestly mate, no worries about the contact - we have just been thinking of you and hoped you guys were doing well (apparently that isnt the case though...)

sounds like some serious shit going on there mate - i can only hope that things will get better for you guys ASAP and they get to the bottom of things

no worries about christmas - yes it sucks we cant see you, but again, we'll be thinking of you mate =] and we couldnt ever be angry/mad etc. with you lot - we know you always do your utmost and money is a bitch in most of our lives right now, so its totally understandable

cant believe how much seems to be going on right now - heres hoping that things pick up for you all soon


if there's no name - it's jamie posting
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Post by Ensconced on Thu Dec 20, 2012 11:56 pm

I am sorry for the tough times. But then we only rise from something low.
And it is never required to be better than anyone at all, cause who is the one to judge me if I don't judge myself at first place?

It reminds me one thing, I had read somewhere:

When Supreme Creator spoke to Moses (pbuh), He said to him: If you come to supplicate, have someone who is lesser in degree than you accompany you.
So whenever Moses (pbuh) saw someone, he didn't dare to say i am better than him, so he started to consider in a lower species and when he saw a mangy dog, he said this dog will accompany me, so he put a rope around the dog's neck, then in the middle of the road, Moses (pbuh) looked at the dog and said: i don't know in which tongue do you praise the Absolute Creator so how can i be better than you? So Moses (pbuh) let the dog loose and went to supplicate. So Absolute Creator said: O Moses where is what i commanded you to do? So Moses (pbuh) said: O Supreme, did not find, so the Absolute said: O son of Amram, if you had not let the dog loose, i would have erased your name from the council of prophethood.

Well at least there is one thing to learn that there should not be any comparison.

Anyways, you can try part time jobs around. Is it difficult?? (I can understand the body not helping it)
I wish and hope good things come into your life, but at the end you have to let them in, so plan somthing however small that may be..


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Post by seb on Fri Dec 21, 2012 12:35 am

Jamie - you are awesome. thank you, so much. so many people i know giving me such a hard time over this crap. shoulda known you wouldnt be like that, but i guess the logical part of my brain may be malfunctioning slightly. thank you.

i did write a long response, but the cat sat on the keyboard, and i lost it.

of course i 'forgive [you] for saying - chill your beans!' - your right! of course you are. im usually the first to say that to other people. not like me to get quite so overwhelmed. its not really helping that i seem to be oscillating from 11 straight to 25 and back in minutes. its exhausting, and the jumping has my emotions in tatters. reading back through that post kinda has me reeling. in my head id kept quite calm and factual, apparently not...

as per always, things will pick up. im aware im both sounding and feeling very defeatest at the moment. that will pass. i might not feel like it, but it always does, eventually. and there are plans, but the physical health side of shit is putting a serious damper on that atm, cos we just dont know whats going on, just that its big. not great =/ but there will be a way. i just dont know what yet.

thanks for replying mate, means a lot.

Ensconced - thanks for replying. your right when you say we only rise from something low, i think im just naffed cos i thought this 'extreme' feeling was a thing from the past. thanks for the point about comparisons. what was the quote from?
i am applying for jobs atm, but would have to be full time. most of the jobs in my line of work are full time, or self employed. i was working a number of random part time jobs last year, so i know it can be done. its just that right now, physically we aint up to it. i hate saying that, its not in my nature, but i guess no matter how willing the mind, if the flesh is weak... thank you for your wishes, and yes, i know the good things have to be let in, and i do. it just doesn't always happen that way.


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